It pisses me off that to get any fucking traffic to your website it seems that you have to make “top 10 lists” ad nauseum. Everyone says “Add original content” blah blah blah. Guess what? Top 10 lists aren’t very fucking original, it’s just pandering for comments. For example:
Top 10 bowel movements:
10. Runny Shits – These are pretty bad. They’re tough to wipe your ass afterwards, you have to trot back and forth to the can, and they’re messy. Boo to running back and forth to a toilet!
9. Hard Dooks – I don’t know anyone who enjoys pushing so hard that they blow blood vessels in their eyes. They hurt when they come out, and they make a sound like a creaky old door from a spooky movie. Too bad the creaky door doesn’t scare the shit out of you!
8. Upper Deckers – Everyone knows you’re supposed to poop in the bowl of the commode. Upper deckers are what people do when they want revenge. It consists of taking off the lid off of the top of the toilet and letting a big one rip in tank! Talk about a bad BM!
7. Ghost Poops – This is the white buffalo of poops. A ghost poop is basically a white poop. These things scare me, and I think I’ve only seen them on TV or movies. Thankfully I’ve never seen real life.
6. Hit and Run turds- I never like to go into a stall and see someone who’s pulverized the toilet and left a few lumps floating on the surface. Do us all a favor and flush after you dook.
5. Turd Burglars – This one technically isn’t a bowel movement, so it should be disqualified, but I’m running out of ideas so I’m including it. A Turd Burglar is a person who tries to walk in on you in a public bathroom while you’re pinching off a loaf. They can see your shoes and they know you’re in the stall but they try to come in anyway because they really favor stealing a fresh dump.
4. Sharting – These come up at the least expected times, usually after vigorous exercise or while recovering from some sort of ailment. A shart is when you try to fart, but end up shitting – hence, the shart. Usually an accessory is needed to avoid embarrassment, like tying a jacket around your waist so that you can go sit in the car while everyone finishes up their activity.
3. S- Shaped Turds – I got forced into watching Oprah while Dr. Oz was on, and he told me that S- Shaped poops are the best to have because they show that everything is going through you and that it went out the right way! “Food is a medicine for you!” Thanks Dr. Oz!
2. Colored Turds – Most people will tell you that colored turds are usually a good indicator of what’s going on in your digestive track. Brown usually means everything is ok, while black usually means there’s some kind of blood in your intestines. I just enjoy them because they make interesting finger paints!
1. Dane Cook – This guy is an unfunny piece of shit, amiright?
Honorable mention: Robin Williams – Lay off the fucking coke already!
I’d like to hear your thoughts on the top 10 bowel movements!
FUCK TOP 10 LISTS
This ranty list was hastily put together out of rage, and I apologize for the rather grim subject matter.